Hell Is Other People

I Shall Blog No More Forever

2008-11-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

Seeing as I am far too busy and. ultimately, lazy. I think it may be time to pull the plug on HIOP. I am pretty certain I may blog again, but next time may try to be a little more topic specific instead of maintaining a blog that is just a hodge podge of rants about whatever crosses my mind. Rambling incoherantly is no way to maintain any sort of readership. Thanks

Do You Realize...........

2008-11-06T14:50:00.001-08:00

That for the first time since 1980 there will not be a Bush or Clinton in the President or Vice President's Office.

That's almost 30 years for those scoring at home!

What Will Become Of The Base?

2008-11-05T16:45:00.001-08:00

Now that the GOP is scrambling to figure out its next move and is hoping to avoid fading away into total antiquated irrelevancy, what will become of the beloved base?

With more and more party members starting to realize that pandering to religious nuts and the denizens of trailer parks is no way to move into the future and with more and more college educated people inhabiting the country they may have to start actually focusing on substantive issues and reform that do not play into ignorance, fear or racism.

While, I do generally hate most Republican policy, you certainly do have to admire how they have for decades managed to manipulate this voting block and make it feel like it is getting it's money worth while in actuality giving them nothing at all. The beauty of the uneducated mind.

Maybe the base will ultimately form their own party! Comedy would never be funnier. Can you imagine a party that would rather watch their children starve to death before they let two men who love one another get married?

THANK GOD!

2008-11-05T15:45:00.001-08:00

I cannot believe this actually worked out how it did. It is like a dream come true.

I have been obsessing about this campain for so long I really do not know what to do with myself now.

Who Ordered The Hypocrisy?

2008-11-05T15:34:00.001-08:00

Remember not so many years ago when Washington DC mayor Marion Barry got busted in a hotel room with a hooker while smoking a little crack? Remember how he went to jail for a while then we he got out he decided to run for mayor gain and got re-elected? Remember how that really chapped old white people's asses that those darn black people re-elected a man who was a crook only because he was black?

Well history has repeated itself as those exact old white people have re-elected a man, Alaska's Ted Stevens, who less than two weeks ago was convicted of a felony for taking a enormous amount of gifts from lobbyists, for no other reason than he was a Republican.

Pretty sad when the person you think is the best man for the job may be getting shanked in the shower (or worse) in a few months. Gotta love partisan politics!

Movie I Would Pay To See: Volume 1

2008-10-31T12:16:00.000-07:00

Sign me up!

Every Man Who Came Of Age In The Late 70s Or Early 80s Dream.

2008-10-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

That's right, six slave girl Princess Leias having a pillow fight.

Unfortunately, when I imagined it in the past it seemed a lot hotter than this pic of six nerdy Star Wars chicks in cast iron bikinis that was most likely taken in the meeting room of a Marriot (judging from the walls and carpert) during a sci-fi convention.

UPDATE - Holy Crap!! Apparently Star Wars Porn is nothing new. Who knew? Hell, I spent all that energy all those years ago conjuring up images in my thirteen year old mind of what Aunt Beru would look like getting it from behind from a Tauntaun when all I needed to do was use a little patience. Now all you have to do is go to this artists website. If you ever wanted to know what three way between Luke, Leia and Han would look like this is the place for you. I think this is one of the seven signs that the end is nigh. I suppose that there is a market for this from geeks that like to adorn their walls and/or masturbate to graphic and sexual Star Wars artwork.

The Base Is Working Overtime This Year!

2008-10-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

Man, the base just keeps getting it so right. Whether it be geriatric retards, campaign workers falsely claiming they were attacked and carved up by a criminal Obama supporters or just these two goobers in the pink shirts. They sure have me taking a second look at my liberal leanings.

It's About Friggen' Time

2008-10-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

Finally, a little justice is served for the millions of baseballs, softballs, football, etc. that have met untimely ends at the hands of the elderly.

Yeah, I said it!

John McCain Fancies Self As Latter Day Kurt Cobain

2008-10-09T12:23:00.000-07:00

At least that what we must assume since he has, much to Gave Grohl's chagrin, taken to playing the Foo Fighters song, MY HERO at campain stops across the country. Apparently musicians have no recourse should a politician they have wildly different political views from take to playing their songs at campaign rallies. We found this out this year because McCain has been asked by about ten musicians to stop playing their songs and have all been rebuffed.

Except in this case the joke is on McCain as the song he is traipsing around to is not about what he thinks it is about. Grohl on several ocassions has said that MY HERO was written about Kurt Cobain and his admiration of his talent. So essentially McCain is likening himself to a drug addled dead rock star who if alive today would no doubt be railing against people like John McCain.

At least you have to give McCain credit for his work with the mentally challenged as that is clearly who he ia allowing to run his campaign.

The GOP Base: Still Keeping It Classy & Completely Unenlightened

2008-10-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

Gotta love a group of people willing to blindly follow anyone as long as they hit on the same god fearing talking points they love to hear. A group so unintelligent they are still not ready to admit that rain is definitely NOT angels crying and are certain that man and dinosaurs walked the earth together. A group that is more concerned with zings against their opponent than their candidate's actual policy. A group of small brained retards who actually believe that the media conspires against them despite the fact that most media is owned by huge corporations. But, you know who loves them most of all? The GOP! Who wouldn't want a large group of highly religious, racist, small minded, scared yahoos who will blindly follow you? The United States could literally be on fire right now AND (hypothetically of course) the Republican party could step forward and say it was their fault the country was on fire and you know what? The Base would still vote for them! No shit, because the United States burning up is not nearly as important to them as stopping gay people from having a normal life or being allowed to buy an AK47 at the mall.

These are the same people whose ancestors thought it would be a good idea to burn women at the stake because they might be witches (Sarah Palin still seems to be concerned about that witch problem) These are the people who think since Barak Obama doesn't have an anglo name that he is secretly a terrorist who has infiltrated the US goverment and just has all the dumb liberals snowed. These are the people who laugh at a man who gets choked up when discussing the death of his wife and daughter because he is a democrat (See Below.) These are the people who boo journalists for spreading the truth and occasionally tell a black cameraman, "Sit down boy." These people are the GOP base and they THINK they are doing America proud.

Man, Those Kids Look Old!

2008-10-06T17:09:00.000-07:00

See more KidsInTheHall videos at Funny or Die

Despite all of them seemingly aging thirty years in the last decade (except for Scott Thompson who looks exactly the same,) it is pretty nice to see the Kids in the Hall still doing their thing and still actually being kind of funny doing it.

Food For Thought Regarding Deregulation

2008-10-06T15:29:00.000-07:00

I think, if we have not already, we can glean that John McCain is not the guy to steer the ship back to economic recovery. Perhaps Barak Obama is not either, but I would feel more comfortable with a person who is not mostly concerned with making it easier for his already wealthy buddies to become wealthier by cooking the books and shooting craps with my mother's 401k. As late as a few weeks ago, McCain was still babbling about needing more deregulation in the financial system and not so brightly touting the root strength of our economy.

Why would we want people who essentially answer to know one and may hold their own greedy interests a little higher than their customers in control of our financial futures? Would it not seem prudent that they be accountable at all times and are held to a standard since they are the stewards of so many people's financial lives? Just because someone wears a suit doesn't mean they are not a criminal. It may just mean they are a smarter criminal who happens to be living the high life off of your blood, sweat and tears.

Would we deregulate South Central Los Angeles? Would we abolish all laws and let the gangs that control the area run wild? Of Course not. From what I can gather from John McCain, he thinks that criminals should be allowed to police themselves, but only the ones that work on Wall Street. At least that was what he was saying three week ago, as you know now, he has changed his tune because he knows that is what you want to hear and hopefully will save his political neck.

Is Mark Wahlberg The New Christopher Walken?

2008-10-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the most genius impression I have seen in a long time. I think everyone can stop working on their Walken impersonations and start honing their Wahlberg. Genius.

Maybe I Won't Take Up Surfing After All

2008-10-03T18:25:00.001-07:00

I can't tell you how many times I have thought how much I would love to learn to surf. After seeing this picture, maybe I'll just buy a bike.

Experts estimate that Great White Shark in the wave weighs about 500lbs and was about 13 feet long.

Actual Craigslist Posts: God Bless America Edition

2008-10-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

NEED SARAH PALIN LOOKALIKE ASAP FOR ADULT FILM (LA)

Reply to: mailto:gigs-836109998@craigslist.org?subject=NEED%20SARAH%20PALIN%20LOOKALIKE%20ASAP%20FOR%20ADULT%20FILM%20(LA) [?]Date: 2008-09-10, 8:20PM PDT
Looking for a Sarah Palin lookalike for an adult film to be shot in next 10 days. Major adult studio. Please send pix, stats etc. ASAP Pay: $2000-3000
No anal required

Location: LA
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $2000-3000 PostingID: 836109998

Actual link: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/adg/836109998.html

Just A Thought About This Joe Six Pack Nonsense

2008-10-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

Would you want Joe Six Pack to perform open heart surgery on a family member, or attempting cold fusion on the patio at a family cook out? No, I didn't think so. Well, I dont want Joe Six Pack anywhere near the highest office in the United States. Besides it's going to take years to fix the mess that the Joe Six Pack Ass in office now made. Let's consider maybe trying a new path this time around and picking someone who has at least given the job some thought prior to 8 weeks ago.

Also, I was a little shocked to hear some Republican honk comparing Palin to another little known governor who ran for president - Bill Clinton. Sorry dumbass, but Bill Clinton went to Oxford. Sarah Palin had to run through six colleges and Jucos before she got her degree. It's hardly the same thing.

My First Bold NFL Retraction Of The Year

2008-10-01T12:42:00.001-07:00

Remember that bold prediction I made a few weeks back of a Steelers v. Cowboys Super Bowl this year? Well I am going to go ahead and retract that after a couple of more weeks of watching my beloved Steelers play. Plus with T.O. starting to get wound up, it looks like it could be curtains for the Cowboys too.

I think going forward I will just keep my mouth shut. I suppose after predicting the Lakers/Celtics final (along with 75% of the population) after the Pau Gasol trade I got a little big for my britches. Sorry, won't happen again.

I Don't Know How Much More I Can Take!!!

2008-10-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

"I watch you at these debates with no notes, no papers, and yet when asked questions, you spout off facts, figures, and policies, and I'm amazed. But then I look out into the audience and I ask myself, 'Does any of this really matter?' " - Sarah Palin speaking to former Alaska Gubernatorial opponent Andrew Halcro in 2006

If I make it to November without having a fucking brain aneurysm I will be amazed. If someone is cramming for a debate so they can hold the second highest office in the United States you better be terrified. You cram for Biology tests for god's sake, not to be the Vice-President.

I feel like two old rich white guys have made a $1 dollar bet a la Trading Places just to see what would happen if they inserted some complete yahoo into a world they clearly don't belong. I can only assume that the real VP candidate in in a tree stand somwhere in Alaska hunting caribou and freezing his/her ass off.

Sometimes Nothing Can Be A Real Cool Hand.........

2008-10-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

(1925-2008)

My First Bold NFL Prediction Of The Year: Steelers V. Cowboys In The Super Bowl

2008-09-15T17:12:00.001-07:00

We have already had Celtics V. Lakers this year, why not a classic old school championship for the NFL as well? This country needs the Steelers V. the Cowboys in the Super Bowl! I mean, yeah, I really would like to see it happen, but I bet Sully who works down at the mill would readily tell you that he needs this to happen!

Both teams are looking pretty good so far and the beautiful thing is that with two ballyhooed QBs, neither known for bringing it to the big game, at least one of them HAS to win.

I'm still smarting from those friggen gift wrapped interceptions Neil O'Donnell tossed to Larry Brown in Super Bowl XXX and the less we talk about our last championship in Super Bowl XL the better. This could be the Steelers chance to make everything right and it looks possible. It being at the expense of the Cowboys would just sweeten the deal.

Aww Who The Hell Are We Kidding?

2008-09-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

If this isn't a picture of the next president I will eat my hat! I'd say more than half of Americans (at least enough to elect McCain) are too fat, lazy, religious and stupid to actually bother to put any thought into who they elect leader of the free world. For god's sake they elected George W. Bush for a second term.

And now, since McCain has aligned himself with some down home yahoo who is apparently beyond reproach because she has a set of tits and a GOP membership card, it is even more over than it was before. We can bring up her inexperience and questionable record all we like, but it doesn't matter because we are ultimately going to be the big meanie spewing sour grapes. They love her because she is just like them--white, god-fearing and making up for a lack of brains with that sassy pit-pull attitude. Who cares if she has experience? God will see her through!

Thats our country, where a good portion of the population votes our president into office based on nothing more than their parent's or church's political views, or how charming or entertaining a candidate is when they deliver a speech.

Mark my words, it's over.

Amen

2008-09-10T11:14:00.001-07:00

I know the juxtaposition of posting about Metallica one day and material like this the next can be jarring, however this was so on the nose that I had to post it. After listening to the mock outrage and the demands for apologies from the McCain camps regarding the "lipstick on a pig" remark Obama made about McCain's economic policy and the GOP managed to spin into an insult directed at Sarah Palin, I literally wanted to jam a fork in my eye. I get this way every four years when the Republican's take the election down to the depths with the most base and deplorable tactics. It is infuriating to watch. I don't want "he said, she said." I want you to tell me what you are going to do to fix this country and make my life better--not sling mud mixed up by the spin doctors running your campaign.

And, although I generally prefer actors to keep their mouths shut and stick to making movies. Matt Damon does make a couple of valid points here. He's right, this is exactly like a bad Disney film.

How Did This Happen? - Metallica Edition

2008-09-09T11:01:00.001-07:00

I don't know about you guys, but when I was a teenager, I loved some Metallica. Still to this day, while my musical tastes have mellowed considerably, my ears always perk up at any Metallica news and word of a new album is generally met with at least mild interest. Especially this time, since their upcoming release is supposed to be a return to their classic 80s form.

Remember how Metallica used to be all about non-conformity and keeping it real. They didn't have stage costumes, they didn't wear make-up, they didn't make videos or care about airplay. Generally when you saw singer James Hetfield he was wearing a sleeveless t-shirt, ripped up jeans, a mop of stringy hair and sprouting somewhere from his face was a giant pus filled zit. He was like us except he was touring the world spreading speed metal to the masses. Yes, in their own grubby way Metallica and everything they stood for was awesome to my teenage mind.

Well...............clearly times have changed. I have used the phrase, "Nothing gold can stay Ponyboy" ad nauseum, but has there ever been a more appropriate moment than now. Looking at this recent photo of James Hetfield wearing madras shorts and carrying an Armani Bag while scanning the parking lot for his Mercedes/soul is one of the saddest things I have ever seen.

My inner 15 year old offcially died today.

We Don't Know No George W. Bush!

2008-09-05T17:40:00.000-07:00

Aside from letting him speak on Monday (he is the President after all), have you noticed how conspicuously absent our commander in chief was during the RNC? It was almost like he never existed.

I don't think anyone at the RNC mentioned his name other than the guy who announced him before his speech and the mouthbreathers in the button covered Uncle Sam hats who actually think he has been doing a bang up job.

I guess you can give Republicans a little credit for being smart enough to want to distance themselves from the grease fire that was the George W. Bush presidency.

Another Famous Republican: Sammy Hagar

2008-09-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

Still reeling from the news that Dennis Hopper is a Republican, I was surprsingingly nonplussed to discover that the "Red Rocker" Sammy Hagar is a big fan and supporter of the GOP.

I know for a fact that I had no previous knowledge of this, however when I read this it was like I had known all along. I mean how could Sammy Hagar be anything else but a Republican?

In fact the current members of Van Halen are quite ticked that McCain's people decided to play RIGHT NOW at the RNC without their permission. Hagar, you may have guessed, is pleased as punch.

I guess us Democrats are just going to have to hang 'em up and call this one a wash because you know one your opponent has Hagar in his corner it's all over but the crying.

BTW - Does anyone actually know what VOA stands for?

Daunte Culpepper Retires?

2008-09-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

While many may want to blame a knee injury, his behavior on boats, the loss of one of the best receivers ever to lace them up, or even his proclivity for wearing garish fur coats for Daunte Culpepper's rapid decline from legitimate top tier QB/fantasy goldmine to his current state as a 31 year old unwanted washed up hack; how is it that not one team in the NFL is interested in his services?

I have never heard this, but Culpepper must be some kind of cancer in the locker room if a league that employs A.J. Feeley, Sage Rosenfels, Brian Griese, Damon Huard, Gus Frerotte and the terrible tandem of Kyle Orton and Rex Grossmen can't find a back up (or for god's sake 3rd string) QB position for this guy.

It's like the league is giving him the Barry Bonds treatment. I suppose after you play for the Raiders and the Dolphins there is nothing left to do but hang them up.

Okay, But What's The Plan?

2008-09-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

So, she's a smooth talker - so was Ted Bundy and no one named him as their running mate. The only thing that Sarah Palin proved to me last night is that she would most likely be at home sitting on the dais between Lisa Lampinelli and Carrot-Top on the next Comedy Central Celebrity Roast. Frankly, aside from some fairly pointed burns on Obama, what did she really say? And the things that she did say might not be quite as accurate as the GOP might like you to believe.

But then again, let's not lie to ourselves and say the presidential election is anything other than a popularity contest that basically reads like a barometer of how well you come across on TV and puff peices in US Weekly. Americans are far too lazy and stupid to actually bother to find out what our candidates are really about. Just ask Al Gore.

Why I'm A Democrat..........

2008-09-03T16:23:00.000-07:00

Did the Republicans hire ringers for this piece or what? They went all, "look at all the crazy alternative and black people that are Republicans" on us (that Celeste Paradise really seems to have a firm grasp of things.)

Does someone want to tell the hipster douche in the hat and glasses that Republicans WERE in charge when terrorist killed those 3000 people? They have this poor dweeb scared silly. He probably checks under his bed every night to make sure Osama Bin Laden isn't under there.

Sure as a Democrat you have those embarassing hippies in your party, but at least they dulled their minds through years of drug abuse. These assholes were born stupid.

Get That Bag Off Your Head Dan Quayle. You Can Show Your Face In Public Again.

2008-09-02T16:14:00.000-07:00

I am in no way shape or form a Republican, but even I want to shake John McCain and ask him what the fuck he thinks he's doing? I think there are plenty of women out there that would make fine Vice-Presidents or Presidents--unfortunately Sarah Palin is not on that list.

In the less than a week since they announced her as the VP candidate they have managed to dig up enough on Sarah Palin to scare the living shit out of me. Is this who we want one massive coronary away from being leader of the free world? This woman is not just terrifying, but in my opinion certifiable. This is going to get really ugly.

Raise A Glass: East Bound and Down Edition

2008-09-02T12:01:00.001-07:00

Jerry Reed (1937-2008)

Farewell Snowman

I Can't Believe It Took Someone This Long To Do This

2008-08-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

From the, "How did no one think to do this sooner? file" a UK magazine has decided to use some high tech aging software to see what Michael Jackson would look like today at 50 had he never gone under a plastic surgeon's knife.

Can you imagine a world with a King of Pop that looks like that? That's the kind of world I want to live in.

Just Because

2008-08-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

Footage captured in 1968 by two campers that appears to confirm the existance of Abraham Lincoln.

RAISE A GLASS

2008-08-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

Kevin Duckworth (April 1, 1964 – August 25, 2008)

"Man, I Wish I Had That $15 Back," or "Get Out Of My Head Motley Crue!"

2008-08-25T15:26:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. What could I have been thinking? I had a bout of nostalgia recently while ordering my girlfriend a gift online from Bestbuy and now find myself the proud owner of THE SAINTS OF LOS ANGELES the latest album from Motley Crue. I don't know what happened, but in that moment it seemed perfectly logical that I shell out $15 for a CD of a band that has not been relevant (Can we really say the Crue was ever relevant?) in 25 years and has always been far more interesting for its actions than its music.

If we are being realistic, I think the band would be hard pressed to fill one regular CD with good songs from their entire catalog, but somehow they always get me. Needless to say the new CD sucks.

Hell, two years ago I found myself sitting at the Hollywood Bowl, $80 lighter, listening to a virtually unlistenabale set by the, "World's Most Notorious Band." Believe me, I know, but I convinced myself that the 15 year old me would cut the 30-something year old me's throat if I did not catch the Crue at the Hollywood Bowl-we had waited our whole lives for that shit man!! They sounded so bad that I thought something was wrong with the sound system, at least until Aerosmith came out and sounded like a million bucks. Still, the beast lurks.

I blame it almost entirely on the biography the band released several years back THE DIRT. THE DIRT is the Mos Eiseley Cantina of band biographies. It is the literary equivilent of a car wreck, even though you want to turn away you cannot. I have read it twice and will probably read it five more times before I die. I know, I know, but its not something I have control over. I'm pretty sure any interest I had in the Crue was pretty much gone after college and years of listening to REM and their ilk and then I read that damn book. If that book had come out one year later, I don't think they would have sucked me back in.

I am hopeful that my utter dissappoint with the latest CD will do for my interest in Motley Crue what THE PHANTOM MENACE did for my interest in Star Wars-essentially kill it entirely. Still, I have my doubts. I have been dissappointed with every Motley release since 7th grade when GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS came out and It hasn't stopped me yet. Perhaps I will carry this affliction with me the rest of my life where for some godforsaken reason I find myself completely interested in the happenings of a washed up, musically defecient hair band who were at the height of their fame when I was 13. God help me.

Everything I Thought I Knew Is Wrong

2008-08-25T13:39:00.001-07:00

This definitely falls in the "up is down, left is right" category and lands pretty close to the top of the list of the most surprising things I have heard in my life.

Did you know that Dennis Hopper is a Republican?

I know! How the hell did that happen?

Seems "king counterculture" has been a regular contributer to the GOP over the last decade and according to Wikipedia shares a very warm relationship with Newt Gingrich.

The guy that directed EASY RIDER and has his face splashed across cheap head shop T-shirts across the globe is a full fledged supporter of George W. Bush.

Fuck me. I think now that legendary sleazebag screenwriter Joe Eszterhaus has found god and Dennis Hopper has been outed as a Republican that we can rest assured that the end is near and the planet earth will be imploding at any moment.

Does Everyone Have To Write A Book?

2008-08-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

Guess what everybody? That crazy stripper that cost the state of North Carolina god knows how much money, made simpleton D.A. Mike Nifong lose his mind and throw away his career and life , and accused three innocent lacrosse players (douche bags or no) of a heinous crime they did not committ is writing a memoir!

Really? Is that really what anyone wants? We took James Frey onto Oprah and excoriated him on national television, and none of his fudgings of the facts destroyed anyones life or cost them several million dollars, and we are just going to let Crystal Magnum profit while she explains that it was all just a misunderstanding or something like that because she forgot to take her medicine that day or some other absurd excuse?

On the upside, Ms. Magnum has vowed to donate one buck from the sale of each book to abused women (who Crystal often likes to portray in criminal court proceedings.) So there you go abused women, you probably have about 50 or 60 bucks headed your way sometime soon. Congrats. You are so fortunate to have a woman like Crystal Magnum taking up your cause.

While buying this book is not as egregious an offense as buying a copy of IF I DID IT by O.J., it is dangerously close. Lets just ignore it and send Crystal Magnum back under the rock she crawled out from under. Can we maybe start being a little more choosey about who we allow to write memoirs?

Things The 80s Wrought: Megaforce

2008-08-15T15:09:00.001-07:00

Just like VH1 says, "I love the 80s." The formative years of my life took place in the late 70s/early 80s and I feel that it truly was the last decade with any real personality. My buddy Rob holds eighties music in the same regard that Trekkies hold Spock and has the CD collection to back it up. While I don't share the same passion for Yaz or The Hooters that Rob does, I do have some pretty fond memories of the decade. Still, I am more than ready to admit that much of the stuff we thouroughly enjoyed in 1985 would go down like the proverbial turd sandwich today. What can I say, I was ages 7-17 in the eighties and was susceptible to some pretty hokey shit. And on that note, I give you MEGAFORCE.

If MEGAFORCE were made today, it would be directed by Michael Bay, costs a $150M and star Colin Farrell or Shia Lebouf and would stink to high heaven. But it wasn't made today. It was made in 1982, when people still though that a bunch of skinny dudes in spandex with extremely ostentatious dune buggies and motorcycles were all it would take to preserve the freedom of America. In 1982 we lived in a world where Barry Bostwick, the mayor on SPIN CITY or Brad from ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (soon to be discussed in my posting: Things The 70s Wrought That I fucking Despise) could actually be expected to carry a summer blockbuster. Translation: Holy Shit, The 80s were a long time ago!

Does MEGAFORCE suck? Most assuredly. The guy who directed it, Hal Needham, is also the visionary who brought us the CANNONBALL RUN saga. But it sucks in a different way than bad movies do today. Movie stoday are too slick, cold and over processed. Sure the effects in MEGAFORCE are practically unwatchable, but you can tell for the time they thought they were really on to something, the actors have that spark in their eye, that they know this is the movie they will be remembered for. If you told the cast and special effects crew of this movie what Hollywood would be able to do 20 years down the road their heads would have literally exploded. Megaforce is kinda like your dumb friend who suddenly decides he/she wants to have an in depth discussion on world events, it's never pretty but at least their heart is in the right place.

You can't get MEGAFORCE on DVD, but if you could, I promise it would be in my Netflix queue. It would probably never actually make it to the top of the list or to my mailbox, because in reality it's an atrociously bad movie. But just the knowledge that it was there if I wanted it and could be transported back to that simpler time in the eighties before bills, real jobs and that movie THE DAY AFTER (I didn't sleep for weeks from worrying about the Russians nuking us) would be comfort enough for me.

World's Greatest Resumes: Gary Oldman

2008-08-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

I fully admit that the apex of Gary Oldman's acting career is behind him and he did his best work in the late 80's and early to mid 90's, But Jesus Christ look at his resume.

Just look at a short list of some of the characters he has played:

Sid Vicious

Beethoven

Lee Harvey Oswald

Dracula

Pontius Pilate

Rosencrantz

Commissioner Gordon.

I swear to god, if I were casting the roles of Martin Luther King or Molly Pitcher, I may not feel Gary was perfect for the role, but I would at least bring him in to read, because with a resume like that -- you never know.

Attack Of The Ugly Americans

2008-08-13T15:23:00.000-07:00

We just got back last week from vacation in Mexico (thats an artists rendering of the resort we stayed at right there to your left) and man was it great. We got one of those all inclusive deals and could not have been happier. The food was great, the drinks were plentiful and the staff and locals could not have been one bit nicer.

The little lady and I were both pleased as punch. I swam in the ocean, rode my first horse and baked in the sun while sipping pina colada's. We definitely are planning a return trip in the near future. Hell our resort even had their own theater troupe who put on great nightly shows (Their Vegas-style show blew us away.)

The only problem we could come up with was the other Americans at the resort.

I understand that with these all inclusive packages that you are going to get some questionable people, but seriously folks did you really expect to be treated like Nelson Fuckin Rockefeller for a 1000 bucks? Some of these people rode the staff like we were in 19th century South Carolina and frankly my girlfriend and I were apalled. I would put my money on the staff of our resort against the staff of any resort in the US. It's pretty rare to come across people this nice, hard working and eager to please in the US and I found it offensive that some half-wit who works as a bank teller in DeLuth suddenly feels entitled to bark orders at a kitchen attendant because she is in another country. What gives?

It was also a little distressing to see how few people actually tipped for anything. That all inclusive fee doesn't cover tips Lil' Abner, so throw a buck on the bar every now and again. And if the bartender isn't quick enough getting your long island ice teas, it is never appropriate to scream out, "Andale, andale, arriba!" We saw some frat guy in a Crimson Tide baseball cap (speaks volumes does it not?) do exactly that. Needless to say he did not leave the bartender a tip.

So we pretty much came to the conclusion that people who are irritating in the states become absolutely unbearable when let out of the country. I suppose that there are so many clueless douche bags in the US that they feel it is their devine right when they are in another country to feel superior. I know, it's absurd.

Mexico and the Mexican people absolutely rocked and I will definitely be back. As for my fellow Americans, I would say almost half were an utter embarassment and made me ashamed to admit I was one of them too.

Finally Something George W. Bush And I Can Agree On!

2008-08-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Can we all just go ahead and drop the facade that we actually give a rats ass about the Olympics? For once in my life I actually felt bad for George Bush as he sat at the opening ceremonies squirming in his seat; clearly bored as hell. You would think, that as leader of the free world and with the industriousness this administration has shown in slithering out of some severely nasty shit, they could figure out a way to beg off of the Olympics?

Can we just accept that the Olympics is a lame excuse for non-sports fans to spend a couple of weeks acting obnoxious and super patriotic. They get to chant, "were # 1," talk about how America is the best country in the world (talk to me in ten years about that) and how far superior we are to every other culture in the world. Awesome. Where do I sign up?

I believe in loving your country, but this "we rule, you suck" patriotism makes me naseaus. Even moreso after listening to some flag waving dipshit with no interest in sports sing the praises of Micheal Phelps because he feels Phelps defended our countries honor against the Chinese. Are we really that stupid?

Seriously, if any one gave a shit about any of these events then we would be watching swimming and fencing year round. No one cares, lets stop lying to ourselves that it matters. It never mattered. Winning a hockey game, while awesome, had no bearing on the Cold War, just like these games now will have no bearing on the future of global domination. If we really enjoyed watching this sports pu pu platter then we would break it out more than once every four years. Lets drop the charade people. No one is going to think you're a traitor.

Watching This Gives Me A Headache

2008-07-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

Hitting The Road.............Again

2008-07-24T17:04:00.001-07:00

I was reading the LA Weekly upcoming events section and noticed that Eddie Grant of ELECTRIC AVENUE fame was playing a show at a fairly tiny club in L.A. (more like a tiny bar really.) The ad touted it as, "Eddies first shows in years." I assume he needs money. Besides, I figure that when you amass a grand total of one song that people actually recognize you should take a few years off from gigging every once in a while to keep that precious track somewhat fresh.

That got me thinking, do all these aging rockers playing tiny clubs and Indian casinos actually want to be out there on the road because they love it or are they simply doing it because they managed their money poorly?

This all reminds me of another Eddy - many years ago I was fortunate to live by a minor league ballpark in Memphis, TN (the now defunct Tim McCarver Stadium) and they always had some has-been musician playing after games, the biggest probably being Eddie Money. My friends and I, emboldened by booze and the thought having a good ironic laugh, decided to walk over and hang out back to meet Money after his show. Initially we were shocked that Eddie was still traveling in a tour bus. We were even more shocked that Eddie still had the rockstar attitude and totally ignored our pleas for his attention. This guy had just played TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT on the pitchers mound of a AA baseball stadium and he is not going to acknowledge the group of drunk college kids clearly laughing at his expense?

Years later, I finally get that it was probably pretty disheartening for a guy who had most likely played MSG at some point to be blowing sax on a dusty baseball diamond and laughed at by a bunch of smart alleck kids like me and my friends. Can you imagine dragging your old bones onto a rickety stage 200 nights out of a year when you have not written anything remotely relevant in a quarter of a century? The only people who hold you in any regard are people like Tammy from the secretarial pool, whose dream car is a Camaro and still thinks Richard Marx is the hottest guy on earth. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe Eddie Money loves the road and is willing to squeeze his gear into any hole in the wall in the country just to get his rock on, but somehow I doubt it. Once you acheive any amount of real fame, no matter how short lived, how can you possibly go back to playing Ernie's Pub in Whichita Kansas or, for god's sake, Tim McCarver stadium with any dignity?

I'm a very nostalgic person, but not with music (just ask my R.E.M albums) and it just seems more depressing than fun now to go watch a sixty year old man go belt out one to three songs you know, surounded by a bunch you don't all while he asks you to buy his latest self released CD on you way out the door. Maybe we should set up some faded musician fund, because watching these guys, to me at least, feels like watching someone die of a terminal disease. They just seem sad up there. How many times can you play ELECTRIC AVENUE before you pop a gasket and kill someone?

Still, I have a thought.....

Have you ever met that homeless guy who instead of hitting you up for food money comes at you straight and just tells you he needs cash for booze? Of course you have, and initially isn't it kind of fun and refreshing? Everybody at some point has slipped some bum a couple of bucks knowing that he was going directly to the liqour store for some Maddog 20/20. Granted, the bit has become a little tired and a tad cliche in the homeless community in recent years, but initially it worked. Why can't this same technique be utilized by aging musicians? I might actually buy a ticket for the EDDIE MONEY CAN'T PAY HIS MORTGAGE TOUR or the EDDIE GRANT'S CAR HAS BEEN REPOSSESSED TOUR. Now instead of watching these poor bastards, literally, sing for their supper, we get to feel like we are helping out and having a good time as well. Eddy or Eddy are not just up there playing the same old songs for the millionth time, they are actually earning their money and we get to feel good about helping Eddie keep his house or Eddie not having to ride the bus. It's just a thought, i'm not married to it, but it seems like it might liven up the depressing aging rocker bit. And with exorbitant ticket prices should I really be expected to pay $25 to go see a one hit wonder play his one good song and 10-15 duds? This way at least it feels charitable.

So next time you see that KATRINA & THE WAVES are doing a show at the coffee shop around the corner from your place, don't go pay $15 to hear WALKING ON SUNSHINE and a bunch of songs you don't know from adam. Instead go listen to WALKING ON SUNSHINE and imagine you are donating your $15 because maybe the bass player might need an operation or something. You have an imagination, run wild with it. Sure it's still sad, but at least this way you can still feel okay about it.

Rethinking The Western

2008-07-18T11:14:00.001-07:00

My dad was a huge fan of the western. The more time he spent camped in front of the TV watching John Wayne, James Coburn and Charles Bronson ride into town and whip ass meant less time I had to watch crappy movies like MEGAFORCE or PORKY'S 2: The Next Day on our old Zenith console. Needless to say from an early age, I not only did not like, but practically resented, the western.

And god knows the western did nothing to help itself. It spent the last thirty years seemingly doing everything it could to fall completely off our collective radar. Still, we did get that occasional western and I must admit a few I thouroughly enjoyed (for instance TOMBSTONE) although none did enough to make me sit down and start retracing the genre's roots. Until recently that is....

With great recent additions to the canon such as 3:10 TO YUMA (really good) & THE ASSASINATION OF JESSIE JAMES (phenomenal),I decided maybe it was time to finally give westerns a chance and let bygones be bygones.

I decided to start big with THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY and ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST and let me just say that I will never again talk ill of the western. Watching Leone's masterpeices you start to realize that some of today's genuises (Hello Mr. Tarantino) are not really so much brilliant as just inspired copycats. This is where it all began and I am hooked.

For a guy who used to hate the western with the same fervor he generally reserved for Darth Vader, I sure an excited about the prospect of curling up on my couch this weekend and throwing in A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS. Maybe you have to grow into the western, but it certainly is a more appealing idea to me now to be watching a guy on a horse clopping across the desert with justice strapped to his hip than the latest sci-fi explosion exravaganza. And that definitely was not the case this time last year as I stood in line for crap like TRANSFORMERS.

Maybe I'm just getting old and sentimental, but I sure wish my dad was still around to watch a few westerns with me now.

One Tarnished Legacy Coming Up!

2008-07-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

"Dude, cut it out!", I feel like Molly Ringwald in that scene in the BREAKFAST CLUB where Bender keeps smarting off to Paul Gleason and racking up detentions. Seriously Brett, you have to cool it because, whether you are getting hosed or not, you are starting to sound like a loon - You think you might just show up at camp just to see what the Packers do? Come on Brett those aren't the words of a sane person.

Man, after last year and that farewell tour this is how you are going to go out? I posted like five times about how everybody was eating their words about you and how you were showing everyone up, then I defended you when you broke down when you retired and now we have this? How can I defend this?

You know if were to quit my job and then kept coming back, ultimately they would call the police on me. You do it and they finally say to hell with you and they are the assholes? Dude you RETIRED, you dicked around for the last four seasons talking about how you were always going to retire and held them hostage and the when they move on, you suddenly want them back.

You are like that guy who is always dumping his girlfriend, but two days after she is gone he wants her back, and she always takes him back, and once they are back together he is almost immediately miserable again. Well not this time Brett, the Packers moved on, they are dating Aaron Rodgers now, and maybe he doesn't have your resume, or stats, but he is stable and a good guy and isn't going to be dicking anyone around.

You have to let this go Brett, no one wants to see you in another teams uniform anymore than we wanted to see Franco Harris dressed as a Seahawk. Spare us that. And we surely don't want to see good old Brett Favre bully or whine his way back into the Packers fold. You retired. Be a man and stand by your decision.

"What Do You Mean? We Don't Eat Dogs." - China Bans Dog Meat In Restaurants During Olympics

2008-07-11T15:48:00.000-07:00

In a move that has moved them down the charts from "Amazingly barabaric" to simply "Fucking barbaric as shit." China has tendered dogs a welcome, albeit short, reprieve from the chopping block as the Chinese goverment has banned the serving of dog meat during the Beijing games.

They have passed down strict rules that all officially designated Olympic restaurant are not allowed to serve canine or "fragrant meat" as it is referred to in China. And all restaurants not sanctioned by the Olympics are being strongly urged to have their servers discourage patrons from ordering any dishes containing dog duringthe games. Classy move China.

What gives China? It's not like we forgot you had been eating dog for centuries. Who are you trying to impress?

Is Chris Kaman the NBA's John Walker Lindh?

2008-07-07T18:01:00.000-07:00

Let's take it down a notch people! Talk Radio switchboards are on fire with people screaming foul that Chris Kaman has decided play for Germany in the Olympics.

It seems that Kaman's grandfather was German and Chris has dual US/German citizenship and will be playing alongside Dirk Nowitzski in the summer Olympics.

I think Chris saw the obvious fact that he would never have the chance to make the US team and opted to play for Germany as a chance to be an olympian. Its not like he joined the German Army. It's hoops for god's sake and anyone who thinks Kaman is going to swing the balance of power to the aryan supermen from Germany has been reading too much Nietzsche.

I love America, but this rah rah, were #1, if you aren't with us you are against us patriotism annoys the shit out of me.

It's hardly treason Dale from Fresno!

Marc Ecko Just As Big A Dillweed As You Would Think.

2008-07-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

"Fashion" designer, entrepenuer and all around clever guy Marc Ecko is starting to back off his claims that he would donate Barry Bonds record 756 home run ball to Cooperstown once he stamped it with a big asterisk.

The Hall of Fame which has a pretty stringent policy of not taking loans, which Ecko is now suggesting, has in turn suggested that he take his ball and shove it.

Was that not the plan last year when I voted in that asinine publicity stunt Marc? Wasn't that the deal? You get your name all over the press and ridicule a sport you clearly have no interest in, and then you send the ball to Cooperstown with a big asterisk burned into it and essentially etch your name in baseball history? Wasn't that how it was supposed to go down? Are you hurting for money now? Sure I have seen a lot of your clothing gathering dust on the racks at TJ Max, but c'mon Ecko, a deal's a deal!

What a jerkoff.

UPDATE: Apparently feeling the heat of the bad press, Ecko has had a change of heart and unconditionally donated the ball to the Hall. Way to go douche!

Hey A-Rod: Madonna Ain't Exactly Madonna Anymore

2008-07-01T10:32:00.001-07:00

What an A-Rod thing to do - Start dating Madonna when she is 70! Word on the streets is that the two are having a torrid affair (torrid being the operative word.) The last time Madonna was remotely hot was when she did that video with Austin Powers like ten years ago. Here she just looks like an over the hill cocktail waitress from Toledo in a $500 hat who has happened to come by some sweet Yankees tickets.

Way to keep that profile low Alex. What do you think that douche Jose Canseco is going to have to say about this?

My next question, is that Chris Cornell in the corner? And if so, what Yankee is he sleeping with to get that seat? My guess - Giambi.

Foiled Again, By The Christians!!

2008-06-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

Just when we thought we had nailed down that whole evolution thing, my new favorite blog, JESUS IS LORD, A Worshipping Christian's Blog has hit us with this gem.

How do these genuises do it everytime? I suppose that is the benefit of having God on your side. I have not seen logic this sound since Barbarino tried to explain geometry to Juan Epstein on an episode of WELCOME BACK KOTTER in 1978.

Memphis Tigers Fans: Wanna Get A Preview Of Tyreke Evans?

2008-06-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

Sure it was pretty tough watching Derrick Rose and CDR head off to the NBA, but never fear because now you have a chance to catch a sneak peek from (hopefully) the next great Memphis Tiger - Tyreke Evans.

Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys has shot a documentary about high school and college players heading to NYC's Rucker Park to elevate their game and eventually their draft status. The film features sure thing locks in tonight's draft such as Kevin Love and Michael Beasley, but I must admit the biggest draw is getting an early look at Evans and an idea of what we have to expect from him once he arrives at the U of M.

The movie opens July 27th, and judging from the trailer it should be pretty sweet.

Why Do People Insist That BOONDOCK SAINTS Is A Good Movie?

2008-06-23T14:51:00.001-07:00

With recent news of a sequal and anniversary DVD set, I once again am forced to ask myself what does anyone see in this movie. Unless you are a fan of poorly acted, directed and written action films and like watching Bobby Peru slumming it don't bother. I am amazed that so many seemingly normal intelligent people are enamored of this film and so many that the clamoring for a sequal and a special DVD was apparently unavoidable.

Word is that Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus are ready and willing to do a sequal. Well no shit! I am pretty sure Flannery and Reedus are pretty wide open to doing anything at this point. I'm sure Flannery is all geared up for that SUICIDE KINGS sequal too (another terrible movie people continue to defend, most likely because they bought it for $5 at Target and need to justify it on their DVD shelf.)

If you want to watch an interesting movie, then rent OVERNIGHT. This is the documentary about Troy Duffy, the "genius" who concieved BOONDOCK SAINTS. You can watch Troy, the quintessential east coast retard, hit it big and ultimately piss it all away right before your eyes. Why watch some shoddy, ill thought out, Tarantino rip off when you can watch the idiot who wrote it, pour gasoline all over his newfound success and throw a match too it.

Troy Duffy is far more compelling to watch as a person than anything artistic he could ever cook up.

Things I Have Learned This NBA Finals

2008-06-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

Despite recent concerns I was becoming a closet L.A. fan, I found my self rooting for the Celtics from the first tip of Game 1 and was happy to find my hatred of the Lakers fully intact.

If I had to have a former Memphis Grizzly on my team during crunch time it would definitely be James Posey and not Pau Gasol.

Defense really does win championships, and I do not see any in the Lakers future unless they learn to play it to at least some degree.

We can officially put the Kobe/MJ comparisons to bed. After the first quarter, I literally forgot Kobe was in the game last night. You would probably have to go back to Houdini to recall a bigger dissappearing act than Kobe Bryant in this series. Sure he probably averaged 20 pts a game, but that is deceiving. The only thing he did that anyone will remember is cause the turnover in the final minute of Game 5 to secuere the win.

I'm pretty sure Kobe's teammates hate his guts.

It is impossible not to like Doc Rivers even if his coaching skills have been suspect in the past.

Phil Jackson may not be as brilliant as he/we thought he was.

Aside from Derek Fisher, the Lakers role players stink. And Fish didn't exactly light it up.

Sasha Vujacic acts like a punk 99.9% of the time and needs a shampoo

The only person happier than KG with the Celtics win is Shaq.

I, after predicting a Hornets championship and a Kobe torching of the Celtics after the Game 1 loss, have come to terms that I officially know jack and shit about the NBA.

Mike Myers Gaining On Robin Williams As Least Funny "Funny" Person Alive

2008-06-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

If you have hung around me at all, you know I love to rail about how incredibly unfunny Robin Williams has become. So much in fact that his older films that I once liked have become retroactively unbearable. The mere though of watching GOOD MORNING VIETNAM makes my stomache hurt and if there is a Hell and that is my fate, then I am certain I will be locked in a tiny room and be forced to watch PATCH ADAMS for eternity. I can imagine nothing worse (watching Patch Adams for eternity rated even higher than being pecked by birds for all time only breaking periodically to bathe in salt and rubbing alcohol.)

In my book NO ONE is more unbearable than Robin Williams, but after seeing the trailers for Mike Myers' THE LOVE GURU a few days back, I definitely can see who is the heir apparent to Robin's title. DEAR GOD??? That looks terrible.

What was he thinking? Dwarves, Black hockey players, site gags and a riff on a character that was part of the zeitgeist nearly 40 years ago? Brilliant Mike. I heard that you hosting/schilling your new movie on The MTV Movie Awards was pretty lame, but this confirms my suspicions that you are done. That trailer makes my skin crawl. Generally, you put your best stuff in a trailer and if these groan inducing clips are the high points I can only imagine what the rest of the film is like. I have not spoken with one person who doesn't think it looks horrendous. Even my mother, a far more forgiving critic than me, said it looked retarded. And that's coming from a woman who has wondered aloud on more than one occasion why Pierce Brosnan never gets nominated for Academy Awards. I loved the first two AUSTIN POWERS films, but I think we're definitely past the expiration date on Mike Myers brand of humor. Mike has nuked the proverbial fridge.

RAISE A GLASS

2008-06-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

Tim Russert (1950-2008)

I feel really bad now about my recent post accusing Russert of loudly farting on a live newscast.

Is Harrison Ford Stalking My Girlfriend And Her Friends?

2008-06-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

If I have your e-mail address then you most likely received a message from me yesterday about how Harrison Ford sat across from me in the chinese restaurant in which my girlfriend and I were having lunch. I must admit, I rarely get starstruck, but when HAN FRIGGEN SOLO sits across from you it's a big deal. Needless to say I was a little giddy and it was all I could do to not walk up to him and give him a ,"Laugh it up Fuzzball" but fortunately I kept it together.

However since yesterday thing's have changed.

The reason we initially recognized Ford was because a friend of my girlfriend had seen him a few days earlier driving around in his Mercedes station wagon and had mentioned it to her which she in turn told to me. When we pulled up at the chinese restaurant there was a guy stepping out of a Mercedes Station Wagon that I innocently said, "hey that guy looks like Harrison Ford." My girlfriend being infinitely brighter than me put the pieces together and let me know that it was, in fact, Ford (I'm oblivious. I once lit Patricia Arquette's cigarette and had no idea until one of my friends told me who it was an hour later.) Inside the restaurant as we fought our desire to stare, she texted her friend and let her know she had trumped her previous "Ford in a car" sighting with a "Ford two damn feet away from us" sighting.

THEN, this morning her friend texts her back to let her know that she is waiting to order at Starbucks and Ford is right behind her in line!!!! Are you kidding me?

What the hell? Frankly I'm getting a little tired of Harrison Ford. For someone who has only existed for me in movies and on television since the late 70s he sure is around a lot the last week. I fully expect to wake up in the morning to find Ford in our kitchen cooking omelettes in my girlfriends bathrobe or opening my closet door to find Ford sitting there reading the latest issue of Airplane Enthusiast Quarterly. Harrison, come on man! Take a step back! I get that you are Jack Ryan, Indiana Jones and Han Solo and I love that about you, but at the moment you are really just starting to give us all the creeps.

UPDATE: Her friend saw him AGAIN this morning!!! NO SHIT. That is three times in a week! Steven Spielberg hasn't seen Harrison Ford three times this week. Dr. Richard Kimble is after her ass!

Because You Demanded It -- BROMANCE

2008-06-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

I know what you are thinking, why is Brody Jenner famous? Because other than his dad, Bruce, being sort of famous 30 years ago, popping up on numerous other reality shows and giving us the template for the quinteseential Hollywood douche bag, his contributions to humanity are pretty much nil.

Well not anymore!!! Because now Brody has finally gotten his own show! There is a god! On his new show BROMANCE (what a cool name!) Brody is going to let a bunch of nonfamous posers hang out with his crew and the winner gets to be an official member of Brody's posse of marginally famous posers. Shut the hell up!! How cool is that?

So one lucky wannabe is going to learn from the best how to grow his stubble, how to wear his bling, how to milk your family dry and you know just "kick it" all while hanging with other trust fund kids who's most serious concerns are who is DJ'ing the party this weekend. Sign me the fuck up!!

Wouldn't it be awesome if you got to be like your parents, a la celebrities, without actually putting forth any effort. Sure your dad was on the Wheaties box, but does that really make you think we care what you and your crew are up to? My dad was a civil engineer, but I certainly haven't had my people* calling around to see if anyone wanted me to design some roads.

Why do these marginal losers continue to get shows and why do the enormous losers in middle America continue to watch. Get a grip hayseeds, it's not real life.

* I do not actually have people.

Black Mamba Lurks

2008-06-06T10:00:00.001-07:00

Okay, I know Paul Pierece went all Walt Frazier last night and got Boston fan all fired up, but I think things are about to take an abrupt change and this series is going to become a ride Boston fan will want off. Seriously, what are the odds of Kobe going 9 of 26 again with only 6 free throws?

All the Celtics have done is piss off the Black Mamba.

When I recently heard that Kobe's nickname was Black Mamba, I instantly liked him 63% more than I had only seconds before. Then I heard that he personally had christened himself Black Mamba, well lets just say my love for Kobe went off the meter. How good do you have to be to tell people that you have opted to start calling yourself Black Mamba and they have no choice but to go along? We are seriously starting to get in that rarefied MJ territory (it has long been rumored that during the 1995 season MJ refused to let Luc Longley look him in the eyes or call him anything but Switchblade during practice, but is purported to have backed off the demand during the playoffs.)

I know people get a little prickly when you start comparing Kobe to Michael, but come on, it's about that time. Kobe is so cold blooded that they could literally could discover that aside from being the MVP that he was also a serial killer and I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised. Sounds like someone else we know huh? The only difference between Michael and Kobe at this point is that Kobe isn't starring in every single television commercial and Michael was never charged with forcing a 17 year old to have sex with him. You don't want either of them pissed off at you and once each matured they moved singularly heads and shoulders above every other player in the league. Yeah I know, MJ has 6 rings, but I'll wager Kobe will be up to four titles within the next two weeks and I don't see him retiring anytime soon.

The Black Mamba's awake and is about to totally annihilate the Celtics. Sorry Paul, KG, Ray, but you guys are most likely looking at the great player's with no rings category currently inhabited by Sir Charles, The Mailman, The Glove and John Stockton. It's like that movie THE HIGHLANDER, "There can only be one" and unfortunately it's not any of you.

UPDATE - PLEASE NOTE IN ALL FUTURE POSTS RE: THE NBA THAT I AM MOST LIKELY TALKING OUT OF MY ASS.

IN LIGHT OF THE CELTICS TROUNCING THE LAKERS AND THE MAMBA NEVER SURFACING LETS ASSUME THAT THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE CASES.

I Can't Believe It's Taken Me This Long To Blog About BOOGIE NIGHTS

2008-06-05T18:31:00.001-07:00

How I haven't gotten around to blogging about BOOGIE NIGHTS is beyond me. In Memphis TN from 1997 thru 2000 I was known as the guy who wouldn't shut the fuck up about BOOGIE NIGHTS. I could teach a class on this movie and there are more than a fair amount of my friends who I'm certain were more than a little tired of hearing me ramble on about every subtle nuance of this peice of goddamn genuis.

However, the greatness of BOOGIE NIGHTS is not in question or my point at the moment. My point is what kind of brilliant/fortuitous career move was it being cast as a supporting player in this movie. For a group of actors who prior to this movie were known respectively as that goofy guy from CASUALTIES OF WAR, that black dude from HAMBURGER HILL, that bug eyed doctor from ER and that fat obnoxious guy from TWISTER and became John C. Reilly, William H. Macey, Don Cheadle and Phillip Seymour Hoffman it turned out pretty well. And lets not forget Phillip Baker Hall, Luis Guzman, Thomas Jane or Alfred Molina. It was a virtual all star team of actors we knew and loved but had no idea what their names were. I put forth that BOOGIE NIGHTS pushed all their careers to the next level. Who would have thought when his agent said, "yeah it's a movie about the porn industry and it stars Marky Mark" that they would be acting in the best American movie since GOOFELLAS (can you think of anything better?)

Sure Burt Reynolds came out and said he wasn't a fan of the movie(despite it getting him his lone Oscar nomination) as he worked on his latest piece of direct to DVD shlock and Mark Wahlberg seems like he might be a total douche bag and is regressing as an actor by the second (more of a Donnie man myself -see BAND OF BROTHERS if you have doubts) but I defy you to come up with a movie with a more solid/downright cool cast with more people who went from nothing to being well known actors soon after than BOOGIE NIGHTS. It's impossible.

I have to stop. I haven't talked BOOGIE NIGHTS in a while and I'm getting all excited. I should just make it a reguler post and be done with it.

Spielberg Joins Lucas In Pissing All Over My Childhood

2008-06-04T11:42:00.000-07:00

In a world where "Nuke the fridge"(if you don't get this joke, consider yourself lucky) is fast eclipsing, "Jump the shark" as the cultural catch phrase for something being officially over, I cannot implore you enough, if you haven't already, to NOT see INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. At least not if you don't want to see one of the last vestiges of your childhood be used as bird cage liner by two billionaires

I have never seen a movie go so far off the reservation in my life, and despite wanting to blame Shia Lebouf or an over the hill Harrison Ford, the onus on this one falls squarely on Lucas and Spielberg. Dear god, what were they thinking??

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, while slightly sensational, was still somewhat grounded in reality, not so much the sequals but I was a kid when I saw them and a lot more forgiving. This new movie makes TRANSFORMERS seem like the GODFATHER. No kidding! The premise is absurd, the effects look terrible and the actors look embarassed to be in this mess (at least Karen Allen can get her power turned back on I suppose.) I literally felt like walking out. It's that bad.

Remember when movies looked real and it was not blatantly obvious that everything actually was just being shot on a soundstage and then doctored with CG? This movie looks ten times worse than RAIDERS which was shot nearly thirty years ago. I just dont understand why they do not continue to use those great old methods like miniatures, matte paintings and actual locations and the just use the CG to clean the stuff up and smooth the edges? This movie practically looks like a video game and despite large portions of it taking place in a jungle, it is perfectly evident that no one on cast or crew ever actually set foot in a jungle during this shoot.

Granted after the Star Wars Prequel debacle hopes were lowered considerably, but I figured we had Spielberg on board and he wouldn't drop the ball. Hell, he directed JAWS and MUNICH for pete's sake. Guess I was giving Steven a little too much credit because this looks, feels and, in the end, IS a monstrous piece of crap. I could not be more let down.

What's next guys? Are you going to do a sequal to E.T. and fuck that up too?

Maybe Dr. Love Was A Plastic Surgeon?

2008-05-30T14:38:00.000-07:00

I know the shocking thing about this pic is supposed to be that the guys from KISS are hanging out with Condeleeza Rice, but I think the most jarring thing for me is how much Paul Stanley is starting to look like my Italian Great Aunt Rose-Marie right down to the jet black wig and the 5 o'clock shadow.

He looks like one of the mobster's wives in GOODFELLAS.

RAISE A GLASS

2008-05-29T16:58:00.000-07:00

Harvey Korman (1927-2008)

Fantasy Baseball Friendship Latest Casualty Of Steroid Era

2008-05-27T22:59:00.001-07:00

Bobby Abbott and Amir Sanghi used to be friends; each looked forward to participating in their annual fantasy baseball league, conducted at the Pizza Pit, where Abbot works near the University of PA Medical School, and the $1000 pot that went to the winner. However lately, with more and more revelations about player misconduct during the steroid era, their friendship, in the eyes of Bobby Abbott, has become extremely strained.

Abbot explains, "You know the more you hear about guys juicing, and Bonds and Clemens....well it got me thinking. I came in second place in my league in 2001 behind Amir, I barely missed that $1000 by a few points. I don't know, it just made me think I should do some investigating into Amir's team that season."

Bobby was not shocked to discover that Amir's team had both Barry Bonds, who broke the single season home run record in 2001, and Roger Clemens, a 20 game winner that season, among it's roster.

"All I could think is, well that's not right. I should've won that season because Amir's team was all jacked up on steroids." says a visibly angry Abbott. Also in agreement is Abbot's uncle Attorney Doyle Hargraves who has filed a complaint for his nephew in Philadelphia's small claims court against Sanghi.

Hargraves states that he has no doubt that his client will be vindicated and will get the winning pot due him the last seven years although after fees it will most likely be a moral and not financial victory.

"I probably would have let it go," says Abbott, "But Amir was just so smug that season. It seemed like everytime I ran into him he would always be like, 'Guess who hit another dinger?' and then make some smart ass comment like, 'How's that Dante Bichette trade working out for you?'" Abbott pauses to take a drink of his bourbon and scratches what appears to be several days worth of stubble, "Plus, being taunted in that Arab accent, I mean I'm not racist or anything, but man, that chapped my ass."

When called for a comment Mr. Sanghi, now an ER resident at St. Joseph Hospital in Dallas, TX, seemed baffled, "I do not understand, I barely know Bobby. We only hung out once a year when we drafted our teams at the Pizza Pit. I have no time for this nonsense, people are dying here? And for your information, I felt the Dante Bichette trade was a very saavy move on Bobby's part"

Abbott chuckles when he hears Sanghi's remarks, "Yep, that's Amir alright, always thought he was better than me." He stands, visibly drunk, and slurs, "Well, those pizza's aren't going to deliver themselves, hey you guys should come back when the newspaper closes I got a few shift beers coming my way, and we'll totally party when I get my $1000." For a moment the tough exterior cracks and we see the inner pain as tears well in his eyes, " You guys know I have a sick ferrett at home? Man, I really need that money."

With that Abbot stumbles to the door, an stack of pizzas perched precariously in his arms, and with a squeal of rubber he is gone into the night.

* Okay, I totally made this up, but how is it that this has not happened yet? It has to be coming where some douche bag sues another douche bag because one of them won or lost some big fantasy pot because the other had Bonds or Clemens. Maybe it has happened and I just haven't heard.

Mike Tyson Vs. An Aged Grizzley Bear Isn't Sounding So Bad Anymore.

2008-05-27T17:28:00.000-07:00

Remember how you and your buddies used to sit around at the bar and wonder who would get the better end of a fight between Jose Canseco and Vai Sikehema? (Pictured at left) Well I sure as heck do and if I had a dime for every minute I had pondered this dream bout I would be damn near a bazillionaire by now.

Well, wonder no longer, in an effort to get his name in the press a few more times before his publicist drops him for non-payment, Canseco has offered 5k to any challenger willing to step into the ring with him and his grossly exagerated martial arts skills. Things were looking bleak with no challengers coming forward until former goal post boxing return man Sikahema(yeah, that guy!) stepped up to accept the challenge.

From all indications Sikahema seems like a fairly normal guy. He works for a local news station in Philly and appears to not be out of his mind. So why would he do this? I can only assume he hates Canseco as much as I do and actually possess the physical skills to beat him senseless that I most certainly do not. Or he could just be a kook like Canseco who wants a little more face time. Either way, it's going to be neat watching these has-beens bash each others heads in. No matter who loses, we the public are the true winners.

Surely You Jest..............

2008-05-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

While I thought nothing could be lamer than this or this, this gal really shot the moon by having her ears surgically altered to look life elf ears.

When I was a bartender we had a slightly crazy but kinda cool cook (He went by the name Dragon for those scoring at home) that used to say if he ever had the money he was going to treat himself to surgically enhanced elf ears. I used to laugh. I thought he was joking. Apparently I was wrong and people really do completely mental shit like this.

Dear god.

Sign Me Up! Lemmy: The Documentary!!!

2008-05-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

I love the documentary above just about every other art form and I cannot think of anything that I would rather watch than this one. I love that we live in a world where a 60 year man can dress as a Nazi SS officer and celebrities line up to sing his praises. I certainly hope the documentary addresses that thing on his face.

You Stay Classy Major League Baseball

2008-05-27T09:52:00.001-07:00

In a move apparently tailored to alienate future fans and drive them away from the sport, Major League Baseball has ordered Chicago little leaguers to stop using actual team names for their own clubs. Okay, thats not entirely true. They did say they could continue to use the names if said teams purchased authentic MLB produced uniforms at exorbitant prices.

So if you want to continue to be the Shermer Braves (Yes I know Shermer is a fictional Illinois town) each kid needs to shell out a couple of hundred bones for the MLB approved uniform, otherwise Bud Selig and his attorneys are going to be suing your nine year old ass.

I'm amazed at how Major League Baseball just continues to keep getting it right. What a brilliant PR juggernaught.

Come on guys, can't we wait until they actually start attending MLB games before we start gouging them for money?

RAISE A GLASS

2008-05-25T20:24:00.001-07:00

Thelma Keane (1925-2008)

Tim Russert Breaks Mythic Fifth Wall: Farts On Live Television

2008-05-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

While for years it was widely thought that Roger Mudd was the first news anchor to acheive the feat by farting during a Tuesday night broadcast of the CBS Evening News in 1976. Years later that was debunked when a cameraman came forward and admitted that it was he, suffering from a bout of stomach flu, not Mudd who had actually broken wind.

Who would have thought that it would take 28 years before someone else would make an attempt. While it has become commonplace for stage and television actors to break the Fourth Wall and speak directly to the audience, the Fifth Wall (passing gas loudly on live news broadcast while maintaining composure), while not actually a wall at all, has been a holy grail of sorts among many in the industry.

HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE would like to extend our best to Mr. Russert and congratulate him for cementing his place in TV lore for centuries to come.

Does RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK Actually Need Indiana Jones?

2008-05-22T10:04:00.000-07:00

Of course it does, but a man much wiser than me made a very valid point recently that made a world of sense. Chew on this - despite being the main character; Indiana Jones could be completely excised from the script and, while some of the action may change, virtually none of the results of the Nazis/Ark storyline changes. Indiana Jones as a character does nothing to influence the movie's main story.

Whether he is there or not the Nazis will ultimately find the Well of Souls and with or without Indy they will still carry the ark to that island, open it and have their faces melted off. Indy in actuality is more a nuisance and observer to the story. Certainly moreso than him being any sort of driving force.

How does a movie that flies in the face of everything we know about story end up being this good? I don't know, but I have seen two Indiana Jones movies since RAIDERS and while both stories have been driven by Indy, neither were even close to being as good a movie. Baffling indeed.

Just In Case You Were Worried That Someone Actually Might Sleep With You.

2008-05-21T17:08:00.000-07:00

Thank Nikko Technologies for creating a device (watch video before proceeding) so obscenely nerdy that with it's purchase you are virtually gauranteed to alienate yourself from any and all normal women for the remainder of your sad life.

I know the video from the link makes it look all sexy and shit, but let me make it very clear it is not in any way cool or sexy.

What better way to ride out this wintery economy than to shoot your wad on a full size operating R2-D2 that projects movies on your wall (or ceiling if you are feeling saucy) and further guaranteeing that you will not lay eyes on any sweet poon for the rest of your pathetic days?

Supplies are extremely limited so for God's sake act now!

I've Hit The Wall On John Cusack. I'm Sorry.

2008-05-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

Thank God we have John Cusack to play another snarky hitman with pretentious taste in music and literature so women in their early thirties will understand that war and crass consumerism are bad. Don't get me wrong, I like Cusack, but I do not hold him in the same regard as most women (and some men for that matter) who thing it would be the bees knees to have the actor hanging out under their window with a boom box held over his head.

Frankly, I was a little dissapointed with him in HIGH FIDELITY. His character, Rob Gordon, willingly crawled back to a loveless relationship with none of his dignity intact and we were supposed to cheer for the guy? I have been unable to see Cusack as that hip, razor tongued actor from my youth since and now can only see him as the proprieter of Championship Vinyl and a pussy with no self respect. But I digress.

I think it is safe to say that Cusack may have officially jumped the shark. I suspected we were headed down this path with MUST LOVE DOGS (we thought you were cool John?) and I think we were a little too easy on him for his pair of Billy Bob Thornton movies, PUSHING TIN & THE ICE HARVEST. But now this WAR, INC.? I know people who are not ready to admit the truth will try to convinve me that it looks funny and clever, but I will only smirk and say. "Yeah, funny and clever in 1987." And that is in essence why I think people continue to love John Cusack, because he is so much a product of the 80's. He taps those nostalgia buttons and reminds us of our youth, but unfortunately as he has gotten older and the lines have set deeper in his face, he is only a reminder of how long ago the 80's were and how old we have become. I don't want anyone reminding me of that, even if they did star in ONE CRAZY SUMMER! Plus, the fact that the guy has not made a decent movie in years makes me less forgiving. I certainly do not think that WAR, INC. is going to remedy that. Dear God it looks terrible.

John Cusack is like Evander Holyfield, instead of riding off into the sunset when he was great-ish, he just keeps getting in the ring and getting his head bashed in. Plus, maybe it is time to admit that the stuff we thought was cool and funny when we were 15 really isn't that cool or funny anymore. For God's sake, can someone make sure Cusack got that memo?

John Cusack could be okay, but maybe it's time he grew up. No one wants to see someone in their mid forties acting like a twenty year old. Unless of course it's Jack Nicholson who has so much cred built up that he can get away with anything at this point.

* NOTE - please disregard the previous post about John Cusack, I must have been jacked up on cold medicine when I wrote it because now that I have taken time to look it over I see that it is a rambling mess and about as cohesive as the '78 Red Sox.

My point was simple: why do we all, especially women in their 30s, continually give a pass to and continue to hold John Cusack in such high regard when all he has done the last decade is drop cinematic turd sandwiches on our doorstep?

And for that matter,.................GROSSE POINTE BLANK is not the brilliant peice of film everyone makes it out to be. Just the facts people.

THE ONION VIDEO NEWS Destroys Fun Alternate Reality By Hiring Annoying Sonic Commercial Guy

2008-05-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

The beauty of THE ONION video news was that you NEVER saw the actors anywhere else. I fully understand that actors, whether they do ONION video or not, should be allowed to go out and make a living. However, the curtain has officially been pulled back and now I have to accept that these people are actors and not just people from an alternate reality where they have really funny news.

In The Know: Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists?

THIS Guy From THAT Movie Tired Of You Not Knowing His Name

2008-05-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

This actor who has appeared in nearly 80 different film and television roles is juat about fed the fuck up with you not knowing his name. He no longer wants to be referred to as that dude from ME, MYSELF & IRENE, that old guy from I HEART HUCKABEES or that bald motherfucker from SIX FEET UNDER. And the next person who calls him the slim chap from ONE NIGHT AT McCOOL'S (Hey, work is work) is getting a fork in the eye.

We felt we should pass this along.

Vatican Goes All X-FILES On Our Butts

2008-05-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

Guess what nerds? You no longer have to risk eternal damnation because your beliefs about life on other planets don't jibe with the papacy. The Pope might actually believe there is something out there.

That's right, Jose Gabriel Funes, the director of the Vatican observatory and astronomy center (located right next to the Vatican sporting good store and the Vatican taffy pulling kiosk) has gone on record that it is not a sin to think that God may have made some life other than ours and we should consider such species, should they exist, our brothers just as we would any living creature on earth. There you go, you have the Pope's blessing to believe in UFOs.

While we called rationality and common sense for a comment, they never returned our calls.

Awww Mom!: Gloria James Cements Position In Embarassing Family Member Hall Of Fame

2008-05-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

Poor Lebron James, when he is not stiffing waiters, the heir apparent is being embarrassed by his mom on national television. The king had to forcefully tell mom, Gloria, to, "Sit your ass down" when she stepped to Paul Pierce after the Celtic wrapped James up to keep him from making an easy bucket in last night's game. Fortunately KG managed to intervene before the 37 year mother of the Cavs superstar was able to claw Pierce's eyes out.

Ms. James is building quite a resume of crazy behavior since her son has risen to fame, from taking out an 80k loan to get LeBron a Hummer while he was still in high school, to being so combative with police during a DUI stop that they were forced to pepper spray her (clearly the officer's were not hoops fans.)

Gloria James has taken the top ten of embarassing family members by storm with her consistently nutty behavior even knocking Doug Christie's wife, Jackie, a few spots down the ladder.

Why Dave Grohl Continues To Rock

2008-05-09T17:50:00.001-07:00

A few months back I pledged my undying man-love to Dave Grohl because he never lets me down (except with maybe 6 out of 10 of the songs on every Foo Fighters album.) Now our old buddy Davey has, admittedly probably with tongue in cheek, called out uber tight asses Metallica after the rockers paraded about on "record store day" acting like the friend of the working man before adjourning to their homes and sleeping on their beds made of money. Besides, signing autographs for a day and giving the event that all powerful Metallica seal of approval is hardly going to save a single music store.

Hey, I love Metallica's music just as much as Dave. I listen to it when I work out (which translates to I have not listened to them in quite some time) I have a soft spot for them and they send my nostalgia meter up to ten, but if there were ever a band who needed to be sat down and told to lighten up it is without a doubt Metallica (see SOME KIND OF MONSTER.)

Plus, Dave makes some very valid points in his letter. If it is taking several years to produce an album and one of your members is not Axl Rose, then you definitely have some expalining to do. If the guitar piece in your new song is assembled from 784 different takes, you may want to take it down a notch. Remember when Rock N Roll was synonymous with fun?

I'm actually interested to hear the new Metallica album. Seriously.

Here's what Dave had to say:

"Dear METALLICA,

"Hey, it's Dave! Remember me? Yeah, I'm the guy that's been listening to your band faithfully since 1983. I bought your first album 'Kill 'Em All' from a mailorder catalogue called Under The Rainbow, I think. Actually I can't remember. It was 1983 for Christsakes! But that album changed my life and I've been listening to your albums ever since (even 'St Anger'!).

"I can't wait to hear the new shit, and no matter what you guys do I'll always be first one at the shop waiting to hear it. I'm sure you'll come out and blow everybody's fuckin' minds, because you're fuckin' METALLICA!"Good luck. And don't release it until it's kick-ass.

"Yours, Dave Grohl."

P.S. Are you finished recording the drums yet?"

*quote from Blabbermouth.net

White People Mourn Loss Of Marvin Harrison

2008-05-09T16:10:00.000-07:00

White Baby Boomers around the country were shaken to hear of the loss of Colts wide-receiver Marvin Harrison as, "one of the good ones." No longer will they discuss his quiet demeanor or mention how, "well spoken he is" while talking sports with their other white friends and pretending to not be racist.

Personally, I just always thought he seemed like a smart, top notch receiver who I would gladly welcome to any of my cleverly named fantasy teams. But now that the future Hall of Famer has apparently gone Suge Knight on someone, I must admit I do find myself scratching my head a bit. This is the eqivilant of Ed McAffrey holding up a 7-11 in 1999. It's almost unfathomable.

Maybe LeBron James Is The Next Michael Jordan

2008-05-08T09:29:00.001-07:00

Well he may be dissapointing the waiters who serve him. According to an article in a Cleveland paper Lebron recently dropped a slightly larger than 1% tip on a server at a local steakhouse - ON AN $800 TAB!! Way to endear yourself to the little man 'Bron.

NBA enthusiasts have not taken a blow like this since Sir Charles blew the lid on MJ's lack of tipping skills.

Why Can't We Just Admit That Chris Paul Is The Best Player And Future Of The NBA

2008-05-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

Why is Chris Paul not the league MVP? It appears that Stern will be giving Kobe his "lifetime achievement" MVP tonight, but is he really the best player in the league this year? As far as I can see the most crucial player to his team and for that matter the league and it's future is Chris Paul. No doubt about it.

I know we have invested a ton of our time and money christening LeBron James the future of the league, but to be honest I think we all put our money on the wrong horse. No one, including Kobe, KG, Lebron, etc., can get more from less than Chris Paul, the only person in the same galaxy as him at the point guard position is Steve Nash and we gave him two of the damn things. Sure all those guys are great players, but none of them make the guys playing around as much better as Paul does (sure you can argue for KG and LeBron, but it's not even in the same stratosphere.)

The league really needs to redefine how we divvy up these MVP awards, because it is getting really old watching guys get them when someone else in the league clearly was more valuable. These are not career achievement awards people. The only thing more annoying than the way the NBA hands out awards is the Oscars. Scorsese loses for TAXI DRIVER, RAGING BULL and GOODFELLAS then wins for the DEPARTED? Give me a break.

I think the Hornets are going to finish the Spurs and the Lakers on their way to the title. That's right you heard ithere first. The Hornets and especially Chris Paul are that damn good!

Buzz Bissinger REALLY Hates Blogging!

2008-05-01T18:01:00.000-07:00

Watching Buzz Bissinger go Pompeii on Deadspin's Will Leitch on COSTAS NOW with Costas himself throwing a few stones of his own Leitch's way was a real eye opener. It never dawned on me how terrified and threatened these so called "classic journalist" are by the blog culture. I mean for God's sake, Bissinger is beyond pissed that some snot nosed punk who spends more time playing Guitar Hero than he does writing his sports blog can reach as many readers as ol' Buzz can without the journalism degree or the overinflated sense of romance.

Sorry Buzz, but the internet and the ability to reach millions of people changed everything whether you like it or not. Just because people realized that they could now do what you do and get it out there and actually garner a readership is no reason to throw a hissy fit on pay television. Sure you may turn a phrase better than most, but unfortunately you do not hold copyright on the written word. Look, the reason that sites like Deadspin are succesful is because there is a genuine desire for an alternative to stuffy journalism by a bunch of balding overweight guys who are woefully out of touch with young people today. You try to make it sound like sites like Deadspin created salacious low brow journalism, but c'mon Buzz, who are you kidding. Many of the stories that broke on sites like Deadspin broke there merely because "legitimate" reporters like yourself didn't get to them first.

Just because people may like their sports news with a smirk and dash of sarcasm doesn't make them Phillistines. Don't hate or marginalize the consumer just because they don't want to buy from you or your ilk.

The whole bit where Costas reads the Deadspin reader comments was beyond absurd. Just because a few idiots read and comment on a blog, it certainly does not make the bloggers themselves idiots. With that logic we would have to assume if we found a copy of FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS or FAIR BALL(insert snickers here) in the BTK killer's cell that we would have to assume Bissenger and Costas were serial murderers (which judging from Buzz's demeanor in the video does not seem to far off.) Look guys, here's the deal - Buzz Bissinger is a great writer and I have enjoyed everything of his I have ever read. Bob Costas is..........well Bob Costas and we love that he is so passionate about sports. But in the end you both just sound like a couple of bitter old farts who cannot stand the fact that people are turning their attention away from you and your brethren. It's sports people, not a secret society, we all love it and should we choose to write about it then we should be allowed to do so in any manner we choose. If you don't like what someone writes then don't read it, but at the same time don't get your panties in a wad because there are people who do read it and do like it. I assure you that going on national television and railing against blogging like a madman is doing nothing to advance your position.

Rich, Narrowminded Assholes Shoot Down College Playoff For A Few More Years Of BCS Fun!

2008-04-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

This guy and a bunch of his mock turtle neck wearing buddies have decided that a playoff system or a plus one system just is not in the best interest of college football at the moment and have decided to leave us with a few more years of possibly not seeing the best team crowned national champion.

Look, I absolutely despise the SEC and their fans generally make me want to vomit. That said, I think a lot of conferences are desperately afraid that should a playoff system go into effect that they will be spending quite a few years watching SEC teams roll to national championships at their expense while they are exposed a la the Wonderful Wizard of Oz as perennial "powerhouse" Ohio State has been the last few years.

Believe me, I don't like this anymore than anybody else who despises the SEC, but with an actual playoff we eliminate that war of attrition that happens every year within the SEC and ultimately keeps these generally great teams from even playing for a title. Now these Possibly Paper Tigers (Michigan, Ohio State, Texas, USC) have to get through teams they would be able to skirt under the current system. I don't like it at all, but it's true!

What Else Could There Possibly Be? Let's Close The Book On Roger Clemens

2008-04-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

Move along people there is nothing to see here. It's officially over.

Roger Clemens has managed to go from the greatest most dedicated pitcher of the last 30 years to the biggest slimeball the game has ever seen. What else can we do or say. Lets forget about him and let him go convince himself he's a good guy or whatever it is he does. Clemens is starting to give cancer a run for its money in the lives ruined category. Now you can throw his wife and kids on that list and I'm sure this isn't helping his son's peace of mind as he tries to make his way as a pro.

From this point forward we have to assume that anyone who bothers to defend him or evoke his name with reverence is a complete fool or a Republican. Barry Bonds doesn't seem so bad anymore does he?

You're a class act Clemens!

Seriously? Over A Beckham Jersey?

2008-04-25T15:05:00.001-07:00

This is absurd. Kids are kids, but the parents should be shot.

Nic Cage's Kid Part II

2008-04-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

We posted a while back about how creepy Nic Cage's kid was and showed a photo. Now we have video evidence of just how screwy the kid really is.

Egads! Would you like some goat's blood with that?

Things That Used To Be Awesome But Now Completely Suck: Ebay Edition

2008-04-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

I think this may become a regular column, because now that I think about it I could get pages upon pages of material based on pre-1997 Robin Williams movies and Isiah Thomas alone, and dear god don't let me get started on R.E.M post OUT OF TIME (a more prescient title there never was.)

But those things will have to wait because today I'm here to talk about Ebay. Remember when you first discovered Ebay? How cool was that? What, your looking for an obscure Lemonheads CD single featuring an acoustic cover of Metallica's "Fade to Black?" Well it was there and you could get it for a couple of bucks plus one more for shipping. It was the world's greatest flea market, no matter what you could think of it was there and you were generally able to get it for a pittance. It was magic. No longer did you have to go to the CD emporium and trade in your music for a handful of change, now you could take charge, list it on ebay and get a decent return while placing it in a loving home. I personally financed the gas and moving truck I took to LA by selling a bunch of stuff I no longer wanted on Ebay (totally true!) Plus several items that I truly treasure I managed to pick up on Ebay at a reasonable cost and without being gouged for shipping. If I could actually see how many hours I have actually logged surfing Ebay, I'm certain I would drop dead from shock. Ebay was unequivically awesome, but most of all it was fun.

As I have said a million times before, "Nothing gold can stay, Ponyboy" and Ebay is a shining example. There is nothing cool or fun about it anymore. If anything it is perhaps one of the most infuriating things I can think of. It's no longer people just selling there fun and interesting stuff to make some extra dough, now it is people who appear to have quit their jobs to hawk DVDs, homemade jewelry or handknitted dog sweaters full time. It's no longer a little extra mad money, now it's these lazy bastards mortgage payment apparently. Do I really need to pay $6 for a Centro-matic CD and then have to pay an extra $6.99 shipping? If that's how it is going to be? Then maybe I'll just pick it up at Best Buy. The shipping scam is certainly not a new one to Ebay, but now it seems like every item for sale on the site has exorbitant shipping. I don't need my BOOGIE NIGHTS DVD wrapped in the Shroud of Turin, I just need it intact and in a reasonable amount of time. Don't think we don't get that you are lining your pockets with our "shipping costs."

And what happened to used stuff on Ebay? Vitually every item is new. I would rather buy used and save a few bucks than get something new and end up paying just as much or more than if I got it at the store. What's the point?

I'm done, there are too many other places online to catch good deals and not get hosed by greedy sellers for shipping. Ebay, you used to own my heart, and now I cannot stand the sight of you. You are dead to me Ebay.

Memphis Tigers Reload By Signing Three Top-Fifty Recruits

2008-04-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

Top ten freshman recruit, Tyreke Evans, says it was Coach Cal's dribble drive offense that helped him make his final decision. So now we have the McDonalds All-American game MVP headed to Memphis to hopefully fill the void left when D-Rose announced he was going pro earlier this week. Now can someone talk CDR into playing another year?

Memphis also signed Angel Garcia, a 6-10 F, out of Chicago and Matt Simpkins, a 6-8 F, out of North Carolina. Both are ranked among the top fifty recruits.

Hope springs eternal.

We Knew It Was Coming: Derrick Rose Enters NBA Draft

2008-04-15T10:47:00.001-07:00

Still a bummer though.

We Suppose the Personality That Was Good At Football Decided Not To Go Pro.

2008-04-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

College legend Herschel Walker has emerged to tell the world that he is out of his mind and apparently has been all of his life.

Walker, hawking a new book called BREAKING FREE, has announced that he suffers from multiple personality disorder. He even says that he has no recall of winning the Heisman or threatening to take his wife's head off a few years back. We can only assume that it was one of the numerous personalities he has been harboring since the seventies that accepted the award and threatened his old lady. He even said that at times he was compelled to play russian roulette because of the multiple voices tugging at his psyche.

We are just glad to hear that Herschel is alive and well. Despite his refusal to take medication for his problems (we can only assume for religeous reasons), he claims to be the best he has been in years.

Nyeah see, You'll Never Catch Us Boston!

2008-04-14T16:30:00.000-07:00

Thank the lord, the Yankees organization shelled out god knows how much money to fish out that Ortiz Jersey they swore up and down yesterday was not in the foundation of their new stadium.

Yankees fans can breath easy again.

My only question is how did they get Mariano Rivera to personally go down and dig it out?

Good Luck With That New Stadium Yankees.

2008-04-11T17:04:00.001-07:00

Lacking the vision and desperation, honed over almost a century of losing, of Red Sox nation, Yankees ownership never thought to question construction personel working on the new stadium where there AL East allegances lay. Now they may have to pay the price.

Seems one wily cement mixer/ Sox fan decided to plant a Red Sox jersey deep in a bed of cement somewhere near what will be the visitors locker room hoping to put a curse on the, already crumbling, evil empire.

Yankees reps are vehemently denying that this happened, but who can really be sure? Plus, judging by the way the Yankee fans harped on that "Curse of the Bambino" thing they are clearly not above buying into nonsense. Already fragile Yankees fans across the country are probably sweating bullets right now. And frankly, I would not be a bit surprised that if ten or fifteen years pass without another championship in the Bronx that people will REALLY start believing and crying for a partial demolition of the stadium to get the offending garment out of there.

I say why bother. The Yankees seem more than capable of screwing up their future by themselves.

Born To Run............From Bluto

2008-04-11T10:28:00.001-07:00

Maybe I have had my head in the sand, but at what point did "The Boss" turn into Popeye the sailor man?

Is it just me?

The 2007/2008 Memphis Tigers and The STAND BY ME Analogy

2008-04-09T12:06:00.001-07:00

It's getting better, but man, oh man did Monday night break my heart. Memphians are notorious for not supporting much of anything (ask the Grizzlies) but if there is one thing we love and never fail to get behind it is our beloved Memphis Tigers. So watching them with the championship in their proverbial paws and then seeing it slip away cut pretty deep for a lot of us.

Still, as disheartening as the loss was, now that I have had a day to digest and think, that's not what is really making me sad about our men in blue (this would be the time to cue up Seals & Croft's "We May Never Pass This Way Again" because this is going to be that type of post.) What has hit me the hardest is that this chapter of the Tiger saga is closed and we will never see that group of guys take the floor together ever again. Sure the Tigers will be back next year and I will fall in love with them all over again, but they will never be that magic squad that became such a big part of our lives over the last seven months. I'm honestly going to miss these guys, and even out here in California I felt totally connected to the team and their journey this season.

Thinking about it leaves that same lump in the throat I get everytime I catch the last fifteen minutes of Stand By Me. Memphis just had one hell of an amazing/gut wrenching ride, for fans and players alike and now that the ride is over and CDR and Rose are heading off to the NBA, Dorsey is graduating you realize that everybody is headed in different directions and despite the fantastic ride and the special moments you shared, that it is the end and things are never going to be that way again.

We are Memphis, we are perrenially solid, but when you have a team like this year's who are so incredible, made up of this type of guys,you want to hang onto the magic as long as you can and it stings a bit as it fades away. Memphis will be back, of that I have no doubt, but we are not the Tar Heels, Blue Devils or Bruins. We don't have those other banners in the rafters to hang our hats on. We were right there, but in the end I'm going to miss this team more than the title that we let slip away.

You know that scene at the end of the movie where Gordie Lachance waves at Chris Chambers and Chambers waves then fades away. If you are a Memphis fan, replace Chris Chambers with Joey Dorsey and imagine the scene. I defy you not to get a tear in your eye.

Now I Know What It Feels Like To Be A Yankees Fan

2008-04-08T17:19:00.001-07:00

After Memphis' epic collapse last night, I guess I now know what it felt like to be a Yankees fan in 2004.

Sure would be nice to have those 26 championships to fall back on though.

I never thought a sports loss would ever affect me like this. God I feel sick.

We Had It, And Then We Didn't

2008-04-08T09:39:00.001-07:00

My heart literally hurts. Uggh.

No Matter How Much I Try, I Still Don't Get: Nick Cave

2008-04-07T11:30:00.001-07:00

Keep in mind that this is coming from a guy who just realized two years ago that OK COMPUTER was an great album, and a person who after nearly a decade of yawning at GUIDED BY VOICES suddenly came to the conclusion that they were amazing, but I don't think I will ever come around on Nick Cave.

I know, I know, some people swear by him and others say his name with the same reverence the pope uses when referencing Jesus Christ himself, but I cannot seem to find the fascination. And please do not think it is from a lack of trying.

I have been trying to unravel the Nick Cave enigma since I read a review for MURDER BALLADS twelve years ago. I listened to the album extensively, but no dice. I have checked in periodically with his more recent releases to see if I would finally "get it" but still to no avail. Now with his latest DIG, LAZARUS DIG getting rave reviews I headed over to Amazon to check it out, but it again left me with that complete ambivalence every Nick Cave release has left me with. What gives? What am I not understanding here?

He did write the screenplay to the western THE PROPOSITION and I thought maybe that was would be my entry into the world of Nick Cave. But, a few months back I was talking to a co-worker and the movie came up and I expressed my desire to see it.
"Are you a fan of his music?" He asked.
"Nah, not really. Should I be to enjoy the movie?"
He paused for a minute and scratched his chin as if deep in thought.
Finally, "Yeah, you should probably just skip it, if you don't dig his music."
What the fuck?

I think it's safe to say that I'm finally ready to give up my Nick Cave dreams. I don't understand the big deal today any more than I did twelve years ago. And you know what? I probably never will.

Making Kevin Love Look Like A Schmuck - PRICELESS!

2008-04-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

Kevin Love better make a HUGE spash in the NBA, because if he is a total bust this clip (being pointed and laughed at after being dunked on) is probably going to be his legacy.

Bill Plaschke Is An Idiot And A Homer.

2008-04-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

Check out the article about the outrageous coaching mismatch between John Calipari and Ben Howland. Plaschke lays out how Howland and the Bruins will outsmart Coach Cal and the Tigers much like they did two years ago in the Elite Eight. I'm surprised Memphis even bothered to show up in San Antonio.

My only question is this - Bill, when you are done fellating Ben Howland do you spit or swallow?

You wonder why Memphis is always railing about not getting any respect? Well here is exhibit A.

I wouldn't let Bill Plaschke write my grocery list.

UPDATE: Plaschke eats crow!

If You've Been Waiting To Pry That Gun From His Cold Dead Hands Then Now Would Be The Time

2008-04-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

(1923-2008)

David Cross Is 44 Years Old Today

2008-04-04T15:01:00.001-07:00